[Smells Like News] Gossip Girl: Speak Easy and Carry a Big Stick
Our little Serena is finally a working girl, and she certainly looked like one last night. But the scariest thing about Halloween on the Upper East Side is it looks like S is finally gaining some power. Trick or treat!
Don't worry, you won't be able to miss Serena coming, not with her enormous headlights glaring at you. Yes, we mean her breasts. Speaking of chicken, who thought that Gimlet was a good idea for a club name? It sounds like a part of the chicken you don't eat. So, in case you missed the CW's Upper East Side high school soap opera, here is what the rich schemers were up to last night: Chuck and Blair reunited to open a club, Dan got laid, Rufus made KISS jack-o-lanterns, and Dorota got a footrub. This was no fun-sized episode.
Personality Flaw: Ticklish: -1, Is a master chess player: +2
Power Play: She may be the help, but she still gets a foot rub from the new mean girls: +5
Sexual Intrigue: Is so busy making Miss Blair happy now that B is on the outs with Chuck, that she has no time to get all Eastern European with Vanya: -4
Total: 2
Season to Date: 42
Power Position: Even
Fashion Points: His hotel looks awesome: +1, Purple: -1, Red and black makes for a great prohibition look: +1, Secret clubs, keys, and passwords are so last year: -1
Money: All his assets are tied up in the hotel: -1
Personality Flaw: Plays Peaches at his club: +2
Power Play: Can't get a liquor license for his club: -3, Decides it's a good idea to throw a themed Halloween party a day before the big night, leaving no one time to get good costumes or change their plans: -5, Wants to be self-reliant and not deal with Jack and Blair's meddling: +2
Sexual Intrigue: When he works hard he turns Blair on: +1, Lies to Blair about not wanting her involved in the club opening: -1, He and Blair decide to only be duplicitous to other people. Wonder twin powers activate: +2
Social Schemes: Calls the cops on his own party: +3, The party was so hot "Perez Hilton drew tears on his own face because he wasn't there." We applaud anything that makes him cry: +1
Total: 0
Season to Date: 22
Power Position: Down
Family Secrets: Tells Serena Chuck kissed a boy before. We want to revisit this piece of information as often as possible: +3
Fashion Points: Her blouse with the enormous bow is so ugly it's awesome: +2, Her outfit for the club opening is the best of the bunch: +1, Thinks that Soho House doesn't already "look like one of those dirty public schools with numbers on it": -2
Personality Flaw: She shows her love in a funny way: -1, Knows who Lizzie Grubman is: +1
Power Play: Invited to club opening, uninvited to club opening, invited, uninvited: -1 (because this is not the in and out she wants from Chuck), Crashes the party anyway: +2
Quip: "Tell those trick-or-treaters there is no pre-packaged joy for them here": +1,
Sexual Intrigue: Would kiss a girl to get Chuck to forgive her: +1, Chuck doesn't want her involved with his club opening: -2, She and Chuck decide to only be duplicitous to other people. Wonder twin powers activate: +2
Social Schemes: Gets Mark Ronson for Chuck's club opening: +1, Goes over Chuck's head for the liquor license: +3, Gets caught calling old lover Jack: -2, Sells out Serena's clients to save Chuck's club: +2
Total: 11
Season to Date: 13
Power Position: Up
Family Secrets:
Fashion Points:Leopard! Cheetara is never a good look: -2, Looks good as a flapper: +2, Would have been funnier if she went as Lizzie McGuire: -1
Personality Flaw: Says that her sex scene with Patrick is "all acting." She's not that good of an actress: -1, For some reason, we don't entirely hate her: +1
Power Play: Perez Hilton hates her. That makes us love her: +2, Can't say no to her stupid publicist who she needs to fire: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Lies about her relationship with her ex-boyfriend: -1, Everyone knows she is dating Dan: -1
Total: -2
Season to Date: 0
Power Position: Down
Fashion Points: Maroon is not your color: -1
Personality Flaw: First Serena, now Olivia, he is a professional plus one: -1
Power Play: Calls Nate out on his totally gay love of vampire movies: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Somehow a sexy vampire movie ruins his libido: -1, Is so blinded by love that he thinks Olivia is a great actress: -2, Olivia picks her creepy ex over him: -2, He gets laid: +5, She's a movie star: +2, The whole world knows about it: +3
Total: 4
Season to Date: -4
Power Position: Up
Fashion Points: Her boobs at the party are gigantic: -1, But we are mesmerized by them and can not look away: +2, Then we notice that her sparkly dress is pretty awesome: +3, Then we notice she's wearing tiny, tiny gloves: -1
Personality Flaw: Is actually a good PR girl: 0 (because we don't know how many points this should earn)
Power Play: Ordered around by her bitchy boss: -2, Scores Chuck as a client: +3, Apparently has Condé Nast contacts: +2, They probably got laid off: -1, Saves her job once: +2, Saves her job twice: +1, Saves her job a third time: 0 (because if you almost lose your job three times in one day, you are beyond hope)
Sexual Intrigue: She is now dating a movie star: +2, She only did it to save her job: -1
Social Schemes: Convinces Olivia to ditch Dan for the premiere: +2, Chuck and Blair sick the paparazzi on her clients to save Chuck's club: -2, Uses it to get them publicity and save her job: +3, Hates Blair and Nate now. Who is she gonna hang with? Vanessa?: -1
WTF: Doesn't know who Mark Hamill is: -2, Gets to touch James Franco's underwear: +5, But before he's been in them: -1
Total: 12
Season to Date: -6
Power Position: Up
Fashion Points: KISS jack-o-lanterns!: +3, His Ramone costume is pretty dead on: +2, Thinks a Lady Gaga costume is a good idea: -1
Personality Flaw: Knows the difference between Lady Gaga and Taylor Swift: +1, Can't control his own daughter: -3
Power Play: Wants to stay home and pass out candy to little kids: -1
Social Schemes: Isn't fooled by Lily's scheme to hire fake trick-or-treaters, but pretends to so he can stay home and make her his punk rock Sheila: +2
Total: 3
Season to Date: -10
Power Position: Up
Fashion Points: Hallelujah! His man bangs are back: +4, His Halloween costume doesn't come anywhere close to fitting: -2
Personality Flaw: Owns Olivia's vampire trilogy: -1, Visits blogs about it: -2
Power Play: Gets called out by Dan for being a big vampire lover: -1, Disses Serena for being a stupid PR girl: +3
Sexual Intrigue: Finally fulfills his fantasy of sitting close on a couch with Dan watching vampire movies: +3, Doesn't know what a female orgasm looks like: -2
Total: 0
Season to Date: -16
Power Position: Down
Fashion Points: Wherever she was, she was probably wearing something ugly: -2
WTF: This is a Vanessa-free zone: +22
Total: 20
Season to Date: -27
Power Position: Way up
Money: Gives away all Rufus' candy to poor Lithuanian children: +2
Personality Flaw: Is obsessed with hanging out with 18 year olds: -3
Power Play: Is actually concerned about the well being of the high schoolers that live in her house: +4
Sexual Intrigue: Likes Rufus shirtless in eyeliner. Ew: -1, Hires fake trick or treaters to make Rufus happy: +2, Gets a little something-something for her efforts: +2
Social Schemes: Makes Jenny face the mean girls: +2, When she was schooling Jenny, we realized that Lily is the ultimate mean girl and probably has her name engraved on the Met steps. For all the shit she pulled in the past, she retroactively gets: +10
Total: 18
Season to Date: -42
Power Position: Up
Fashion Points: Doesn't want to get rid of her ugly old clothes: -2, Threatens her minions with wearing a Real Housewives costume if they don't behave. She's been listening: +4, Eyeliner+Tie+Oversized T-Shirt+Fishnets=Horrible: -2, Pork pie hat: -1, Her gay shadow looks ridiculous too, and that is a bad reflection on her: -1
Personality Flaw: Lets her mute gay shadow have an actual storyline: -3, Is a cold-hearted snake, look into her eyes. Uh oh, she's been telling lies: +4 (because we love that song)
Power Play: Kicks the gays off the steps: +2, Just in case that is homophobic: -1, Squelches the Great Gay Rebellion of 2009: +2, Has to listen to ultimate mean girl Lily: -1
Social Schemes: Has the mean girls wrapped around her finger: +3, Comes up with a way to go to the party and keep her street cred: +2, Egging that gay was mean: -1, But it shows her power: +3
WTF: Haven't we seen the "Jenny becomes a mean girl, and then feels bad about it and hates her sewing machine and runs away from home" storyline before?: -1
Total: 7
Season to Date: -49
Power Position: Up
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Posted By sysop to Smells Like News at 10/27/2009 11:16:00 A
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